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Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run 

Chairs & Rugs: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. 


Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. 


Guests: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange for a particularly bad "tuna breath" so much the better. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: White-furred cats go to black-wool clothing. Note: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth. For the guest who exclaims, "I LOVE kitties!"--be aloof and disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and then hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything; just sit and stare. 


Work: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." 


Following are the rules for hampering: When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, and then picked up and comforted. 


For telephone conversations, rub up against the phone, (or at least the human's legs) and meow loudly and incessantly, all the while pacing back and forth. 


For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. 


For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you. Ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. 


For computers, lie on top of the monitor with your tail dangling in front of the screen. Step on the keyboard occasionally. Stalk the mouse. The keyboard is an excellent place to shed. 


Play: This is most important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing Catch-the-Mouse or King-of-the-Hill on the human bed between 2 & 4 am. Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught, if you start early and are consistent. 

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